After many news stories in recent weeks about unexplained mass animal deaths (such as BBC, CNN and USA Today), I think I have come across the most plausible explanation to date this evening.

But before I get to that, a little background and one of the competing theories – from Pravda (no, not the BBC) we have the following expired animals :

The list of apocalyptic happenings from the end of 2010 to the beginning of 2011 is absolutely staggering:450 birds dropped out of the sky in Baton Rouge, Lousiana (red-winged blackbirds, cowbirds, grackles and starlings). Why were they flocking together like that?

3,000 red-winged blackbirds in Beebe, Askansas. Why were they flying at night when they are not night-flyers? Why were they flocking as in a migration, when they do not do this?

Thousands of drum fish washed up along a stretch of the Arkansas River some twenty miles long; the explanation was poison but surely that would have been ascertained by now; still no results are available;

Two million small fish dead in Chesapeake Bay, Maryland; the reason they gave was the cold

Thousands of fish in a Florida creek. It cannot have been the cold, the waters were mild;

Dozens of coots (around 200) found dead on a Texas Highway at Big Cypress Creek;

But the killings have not only been in the United States of America. In Stockport, Greater Manchester, England, hundreds of fish have appeared dead on a pond; several other places in north-west England have reported mass fish kills; in southern England, in the county of Kent, 40,000 devil crabs were washed up dead on the sea-shore at Thanet. The reasons given in all these cases were cold weather, but then again it is always cold in Winter and this does not happen;

In Italy, 8,000 doves plummeted from the sky at Faenza. Reason: altitude sickness, poisoning or indigestion caused by greed. But birds do not simply crop till they drop;

In New Zealand hundreds of snapper fish were washed up dead on the beach at Coromandel;

In Sweden, 50 jackdaws fell from the sky at New Year;

In Brazil a huge fish kill (100 tons) was discovered between Paranaguá, Antonina and Guaraqueçaba Pontal in Paraná State, leaving hundreds of fishermen destitute. Now surely this cannot have been due to cold water, Brazil is in mid-Summer.

Quite a substantial list and, no doubt, enough to keep KFC and Birdseye in raw materials for a month or two.

They also have the following theory to explain this mysterious phenomenon :

One theory being postulated tentatively at present is the shift of the Magnetic North Pole eastwards towards Russia. However, this does not take into account the fact that the magnetic pole is constantly shifting in loops some 50 miles wide every day although the movement does appear to be accelerating and has been doing so for several years.

Plausible I suppose but do fish respond to magnetic fields I wonder?

Elsewhere I have read that the multiple reports of mass deaths are just the national news media picking up all the stories which would usually only make the inside pages of the local rag. That is, its always happening but just doen’t usually get reported widely.

Either of those would work in my mind, at least until I discovered the following article which I am surprised has not been more widely reported :

Inspection of the thousands of tiny corpses discovered across America and Europe have revealed rubber band marks, suggesting they have been fired from a giant catapult in the sky.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Angry Birds is a hugely popular iPhone game about some birds whose eggs have been stolen by some pigs even though it is never explained why a bunch of pigs should be interested in eggs.

“What is important is that it’s marginally more addictive than a compound of crack cocaine, strong tobacco and powdered orgasms.

“Inevitably God has cottoned onto this, and has decided to try it for Himself but using the world as His console instead of having to stare at a small greasy screen that melts His retinas.”

He added: “While the notion of the Earth and all its creatures as little more than a 3D entertainment for an idle and impassive Creator may seem the tiniest bit terrifying, we can at least take comfort in God being too inexplicably hooked on this nonsense to do tidal waves and sex plagues for the next few weeks.”

Kentucky farmer Stephen Malley, who discovered several hundred dead starlings on his land, said: “They appeared to have bounced off a large ramshackle structure of planks and giant ice cubes which had mysteriously appeared overnight to surround my pigs.

“The birds had broken their necks without causing any serious damage to the strange building.

“If God is playing Angry Birds he needs to aim lower to weaken the foundations, then launch an exploding blackbird at a steep trajectory, if He doesn’t mind me saying.”

Which, in case you haven’t guessed, is from The Daily Mash :

MASS avian deaths indicate God is amusing Himself with a celestial version of compelling iPhone game Angry Birds

Still, in my opinion, just as likely to be the cause as all the other “coming apocalypse” stories out there.

Having said that, I do subscribe to the theory that it is all just due to the news media picking up on what would otherwise not be reported. Whether this is due to there being a lack of other news to fill the pages and airwaves or a distraction against all the depressing shit going on in the world will have to be debated another day.