As 2010 comes to a close and The Waspsnest approaches its first anniversary, what better time than to have a trawl through my witterings for the highlights and lowlights of the year.
January
Whilst The Daily Mail brought us a story of Midget Mayhem as a 3 foot 9 inch, 19 year old got his asbo badge of merit for throwing eggs and being generally unruly :
And Oxfam gives a new meaning to charity gifts by selling bags of shite,
Our wonderful government ramped up the nanny state propaganda campaign on the radio to Soviet Era proportions :
Anyway, the alarm goes off this morning at its usual ungodly hour (is an ungodly hour a Satanic hour I wonder?) just as a song is finishing ready for the 4am adverts and what do we have?
First up – the Food Standards Agency telling me to cut the fat off my meat, eat only boiled chicken breast and don’t touch obese people as being fat is contagious. I will admit to making up the last bit as I have no idea what the fuck they were on about after the opening ‘cut off the fat’ directive, mainly as I was thinking ‘go away now you hectoring fuck’. Now I don’t know about you but I quite like a piece of roast lamb, for example, with delicious crispy fat and juices. Given the choice of local lamb and some factory reared mutant chicken I will choose the lamb every time.
Second up – yet another chlamydia advert where some loose knickered slappers go on about how easy it is to get tested. I must admit to being mildly amused when the dumb boyfriend of one of them asks why they are worried about being tested and they blurt out something about wanting kids in the future when its more likely that she has had more cock than a brothel full of cheap Thai hookers and is starting to worry about all the discharges, lumps and smells now she has her hooks in another bloke.
… at this point I was becoming ever so slightly annoyed as it was around 4:03 and I still hadnt heard anything other than health lectures …
Third up – the kiddies stop smoking advert where all the little kiddies go on and on about how awful it is that the parents are smoking and how it would be lovely if only they would stop. The tagline .. ‘ Your kids will do anything for you so why dont you ..’ tell them to fuck off and never mention smoking again or they will get a lump of coal for the next 10 Christmases and Birthdays whilst having to sleep in the garden with the rabbits.
.. I was now very annoyed and muttering fucking nanny state in a sleepy manner ..
Can you guess what was next? Some cheesy local electrical firm hawking its wares or an advert for massive carpet sales?
Wrong – yet more fucking hectoring.
Obesity is evil from the live life, 5-a-day motherfuckers who want us all to run around and starve and point at fat people and laugh or whatever the message is.
At this point, all I could muster was to mutter ‘fuck me pink’ and think of alternative adverts such as ‘Its not your hormones you fat bastard! Its the fact that you spend all day stuffing your pie hole with both hands whilst glued to the TV spending all your benefits on junk food and ill-fitting leggings.
Thankfully, the music started again at that point.
February
Greater Manchester Police lose the plot entirely by classifying snowballs in the same category as murder and rape :
The Chief Constable of Greater Manchester Police has criticised some of his officers for recording snowball throwing as “serious violent crime”.
Peter Fahy said the officers concerned had failed to show any common sense.
During last month’s cold spell, six snowball-throwing incidents were logged as serious violent crimes, although no-one was injured or arrested.
The classification is more often given to offences such as murder, rape and causing grievous bodily harm.
whilst Apple got all puritanical when they decided that jiggling breasts were just not appropriate for the iPhone :
ChilliFresh is an Australian company that creates apps for the iPhone, including the recently banned Wobble, which provides pictures of women’s breasts.
And I discovered peurile filth in an old engineering manual :
Being fairly well versed in the art of pointing out the smutty nature of seemingly innocent comments, I couldn’t help laughing at the following two phrases taken from the 1963 edition of Kempes Engineering Yearbook which at first glance wouldn’t be an obvious source of puerile amusement.
Firstly, from the Mining Engineering chapter we have the following description of ground works designed to minimise surface level subsidence :
“… alternatively, a well stowed goaf can be employed.”
If that raised a smile then you know exactly what I am talking about and if not then its your loss!
Secondly, from the chapter on the design of steel castings we have this :
“Adequate stiffness can be assured with a correctly gusseted flange.”
I think I need to go and lay down for a while.
March
The Daily Mash (bless ’em) had this take on Ed Balls complaining about people making decisions based on evidence :
Julian Cook, professor of public policy at Reading University, said: “The public is often caught between highly trained experts who have studied a subject in depth and actually know what they are talking about and the bastard, son of a bitch whores we call politicians who spend their entire lives with the throbbing penis of the editor of the Daily Mail lodged firmly inside their filthy, lying mouths.
Paedomania was confirmed as being alive and well after a brief absence from the press :
News from the Telegraph that researchers are investigating techniques to identify paedophiles from their typing style :
Researchers believe technology could be used to determine a computer typist’s age, sex and culture within 10 keystrokes by monitoring their speed and rhythm.
Former Northumbria Police detective chief inspector Phil Butler believes the technology could be useful in tracking down online fraudsters and paedophiles.
Mr Butler said the technology could also be used to prevent convicted sex offenders committing further crimes.
He said: ”As part of a sexual offences prevention order, courts currently have the power to ban a sex offender from using a computer.”
”With this technology the courts could force the offender to provide an example of their typing as a way of ensuring they don’t use a computer.”
Now, I wonder if the court will ask for a normal typing sample for this or a more usual (I would imagine) one handed typing sample?
And Kevin ‘bloody’ Wilson breaks all taboo’s with his hilarious song “Don’t touch your sister” :
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April
Whilst Governments around the world played an increasingly frantic game of kick the can down the road (and we still haven’t seen the full time scores) :
We are trapped in some horrendous Keynesian/monetarist nightmare, where policymakers, aided/abetted/advised by their buddies in the media, in the lobbyist cabal and in financial system, have YET AGAIN decided to go down the route which merely delays the problem/pushes it down the road, but which virtually guarantees that when the NEXT bubble collapses (I assume it will be the Global Government Debt/Bond Bubble and/or the Global Fiat Money/Paper Money/FX Bubble), there is NO pleasant way back.
We were reminded of The Iron Ladies views on socialism :
I would much prefer to bring them down as soon as possible. I think they’ve made the biggest financial mess that any government’s ever made in this country for a very long time, and Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They always run out of other people’s money. It’s quite a characteristic of them. They then start to nationalise everything, and people just do not like more and more nationalisation, and they’re now trying to control everything by other means. They’re progressively reducing the choice available to ordinary people. Look at the trouble now we’re having with choice of schools. Of course parents want a say in the kind of education their children have. Look at the William Tyndall School—an example where the parents finally rebelled. Of course they did. These schools are financed by taxpayers’ money, but the choice to parents is being reduced.
May
The biggest missed opportunity of the election campaign – this video should have been a party political broadcast (and if you skim everythng else in this collection I would suggest you at least watch this one again):
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Amusing Bunny (unfortunately no longer with us) had this message to Gordon :
Whilst I discovered, thanks to Anna Racoon, that I had a fetish for the current German Chancellor :
I don’t altogether blame Ali of course; those French accents with that way of saying ‘darling’ can turn a man’s head and the thought of Frau Merkel in a leather bustier and thigh length boots – and a hat, gotta have a hat. Peaked of course – goose stepping round his bed occupied his darkest fantasies (have you got the mental image yet? Will you ever forgive me?). Anyway sod it! It ain’t my money; the Tories will get the blame. So he blew the lot. Ah well c’est la vie.
Ist das eine waffe in der tasche oder du bist einfach freut mich zu sehen?
June
BP was busy collecting bad PR with their Gulf of Mexico disaster :
VENICE, La. – A boat captain working to rescue sea turtles in the Gulf of Mexico says he has seen BP ships burning sea turtles and other wildlife alive.
Captain Mike Ellis said in an interview posted on You Tube that the boats are conducting controlled burns to get rid of the oil.
“They drag a boom between two shrimp boats and whatever gets caught between the two boats, they circle it up and catch it on fire. Once the turtles are in there, they can’t get out,” Ellis said.
Russia enjoyed hosting the worlds largest grafitti phalus :
A funny and yet immoral incident took place in the cultural capital of Russia, St. Petersburg at night of June 14. The drivers, who did not manage to cross the Neva River before the bridges had been raised, became witnesses of something absolutely unforgettable. When the Liteiny Bridge was being raised, the people around could notice that there was something unusual in the process. When the two parts of the bridge stood out, everyone saw a giant picture of the penis on it. The infamous graffiti measured about 65 meters long and 27 meters across.
Whilst Pravda asked the most important question of the Summer :
A little bit of health advice from our friends at Pravda (not the BBC) which may come in useful with the warmer summer weather depending on your choice of underwear :
Can you get vaginal yeast infection by wearing G-strings?
Now, I can’t say that is something I have ever thought about and, believe me, I have from time to time pondered a lot of strange things but I am sure someone, somewhere has asked that one.
Possibly the young lady on the hefty side who was standing in the queue at the supermarket yesterday with G-String half way up her back for example – not a good look. I could also mention that her back was hairy but that would be a little too much information. If you are having trouble visualising this then just picture builders bum meets Anne Summers and you wont be too far off.
Happy New Year.
Thanks for spotting the Yorkshire water sign.
I can understand why they feel the need to put up exasperated warnings, though. I’ve just crossed a bridge on a frozen beck – fortunately not a deep or steep one – and the ice is full of footprints and various things people have thrown in to check the solidity. This includes an 8ft fence post.