Try as I might to refrain from posting Mash articles, the following one on the new Police guidebook on religions has had me laughing like a drain for the last 10 minutes :

NEW police guidelines on religious tolerance will include how to behave sensitively when being sacrificed to a Pagan deity.

The 300-page guidebook has been updated to recognise the religious sensitivities of those who worship nature, which actually exists, as opposed to an angry man in the sky who keeps massive jars of plague.

A Police Federation spokesman said: “During stressful situations there is a tendency to use hurtful or insensitive language, especially if you’re trapped in a massive, highly flammable corn dolly while an entire village gambols around it with lit branches singing folk songs about ‘ye offerings’.

“Naturally this situation is a long way from best practise in terms of health and safety, but the officer should refrain from using ideologically inappropriate language while begging for egress.

“For example, the phrase ‘Jesus Christ, help me!’, clearly presupposes that a Christian god would be willing to intervene and somehow overpower the Pagan god. Likewise ‘you’re all insane!’ infers that religious practise is some sort of mental illness and opens up a Dawkins-esque Pandora’s Box.”

According to the guidelines, the correct procedure would be to request flame-retardant garments from the appointed fire warden, who is usually the one carrying a pig’s bladder and called ‘Simple Tom’, and then calmly wait for help after telephoning the relevant bodies.

The guidebook also includes advice on dealing with victims of witchcraft, advising special caution with anyone who may have been turned into an animal after crossing a local female.

One police constable said:”A Jack Russell wandered into the station and we just had to sit back and let it do a shit on my desk in case it used to be an errant blacksmith.

“That said, I am scared of witches. They are my least favourite thing after paperwork and Asians.”

Brilliant!

In case you missed the news of the release of the ‘300 page diversity booklet’, Longrider provides a suitable guide.