The Daily Mash is a great site for brightening your mood on a grim day but I think I have found another site that is bidding to overtake the Mash in the race for the most surreal story creation service.

Without further ado, I present Christwire.org which you will probably be thinking is just another bible thumping US Christianity site but you would be very wrong.

After bringing us Teachers attacking students with sex a little while ago, we now have “sexual bending”, Satan and naughty high school boys putting their “serpent scepters into your precious girl’s no no zone”.

Seriously funny shit.

Sexual Bending is now banned at Wisconsin schools is a victory for US morals apparently but not before we find out exactly why these evil school dances are all the devils work (posted in full, emphasis mine) :

As you well know, Satan’s favorite high school event is the prom dance. He uses this time to cause sin to enter the bodies of young men and women, making them feel unnatural desires as they dance around to his music.

In Amber’s excellent expose, “Dirty Prom Dress Reveals Satan’s Plan To Get Your Daughter Pregnant“, we saw the troubling fact of how at these dances boys “‘will ply your daughter with alcohol and then do grinding dances to devils music, all so they may put their serpent scepters into your precious girl’s no no zone.’”

All this leads to sins and stats like how over 86% of teenaged pregnancy happens at senior prom. The incidence of AIDS from prom is a staggering 23% (+/-2.2 dev) for the last 5 years alone. Such alarming numbers show why we need hardline federal policy in place at every single high school.

For this reason, we are very pleased with Union Grove High School in Wisconsin. Their new rules for school dances forbids “sexual bending”, leg grinding and the touching of secret parts and shameful parts of others during the dance. Both feet must also remain on the ground at all time during the dance, which will make it harder for Satan to inspire sin within the students.

Such provisions are only a small part of what needs to be done to make public schools decent once more. We have seen moral decay in all schools since 1962, when the Supreme Court betrayed our nation’s Christian heritage by banning prayer in public schools. Now, finally, we see a return to normalcy and decency. Let’s hope the great stories shared by students fortunate to attend Union Grove inspire other school’s to stop living in sin and have fun the right way.

I just hope that no serious christian accidentally stumbles across that spoof site or they will have a funny turn reading about all the grinding, sexual bending and talk of secret and shameful parts.

The link in the excerpt above is more of the same and at this rate I am going to have to go for a lie down as I am feeling a little giddy from laughing like a loon :

At this point some liberal parents out there will try to convince you that senior prom is not all about sex and that your daughter won’t get pregnant our catch AIDS.

You just tell them to be quiet because 86% of teenage pregnancies happen at prom and if that stat isn’t reason enough to scare you into keeping your girl home this year, look at the new sinful dresses.

Look at the placement of the pink slits in this dress’s skirt area and try to tell me that’s not innuendo and foreshadowing of what a boy expects your daughter will be showing off later that night.

My friend Satan’s favorite food is your daughter’s virginity, so please don’t let some boy sow his sinful seeds in her fertile holy place. The gardens of evil and sinchilds that spring from it will only lead her to a life of disease, welfare mom prostitution and death. Keep your daughter from prom and make God proud.

I am afraid this reads like some dirty old pastors wank fantasy than anything else but lets indulge them for a few moments longer and have a look at one of those “sinful dresses” shall we :

Apparently that already has the nickname of “vagina gown” with that size being known around these parts as either a clowns pocket or wizards sleeve.

There is plenty more where those came from so do go and have a look – it will certainly brighten your day.