Well, what a complete cluster fuck that turned out to be!

Having spoken to a lot of people about politics in general over the last few weeks, I can’t say I am exactly surprised with the outcome. The majority of people form their opinions based on conversations with their friends, the articles they read in their favourite tabloid whilst parked on the bog, the outright lies* in Labour Candidate leaflets or (horror of horrors) what they see on Pravda The BBC news. The real issues, especially the state of the UK’s finances which all the main parties seemed desperate to avoid, never even make it to the surface.

Anyway, we will have to see what happens next but for now I will leave you with the following post from Counting Cats which amusingly sums up exactly what I have been thinking today :

Politics is at best monkey business.

Nick Clegg now looks more like his namesake from Last of the Summer W[h]ine. iDave’s mob singularly failed to inspire and Labour clung on like grim death in every sense of the phrase. Even the organisation of the whole farce looked like someone had sub-contracted Fred Karno’s circus*.

I have honestly tried to get an angle on this absolute Timothy Claypole of a mass debate. I can’t… I mean we didn’t even manage to emasculate that appalling cunt Ed Balls. OK, Jacqui “Duggs” Smith and Charles “Lugs” Clarke joined the political Choir Invisible but those were a mere amuse-bouche to a man wanting a steak dinner. Oh, the fondler of Romanian Cheekies and lantern-jawed weather girls bought the farm as well but Baby I Don’t Care. I actually quite liked Lemsip Optic (if that’s his real name) because he was into astronomy.

I have tried and in what passes for my sleep-deprived and addled mind (yes, I stayed up for it) one phrase keeps doing the rounds…

None of them could get a fuck in a monkey whore-house if they turned-up with a truck-load of bananas.

This time we had a real issue which wasn’t just burning a hole in our pockets but setting our pubic hair on fire (you ever done that? I haven’t quite but I just know, as did Moses, that when you see a burning bush nothing else in the Universe matters). It was the deficit and nobody but the crazy uncles of UKIP even paid lip service to it (get well soon Mr Farage and pilot! – that was a nasty prang). We kept being told how important this election was yet none of these aardvark-felchers dared to do anything other than have a sly grope – at most. The clue is in the premise. If an election really, really matters then you gotta have the gallantry to slap your hand of Fyffes on the reception desk and ask for the funky gibbon** at the very least. These paltry fools only ever wanted to get a vague sniff of capuchin crotch when at least one of them should have wanted to go the full bonobo***.

But perhaps we shouldn’t be so critical of our clientèle failing to make us Oook! in orgasmic and pecuniary pleasure because after all every collection of simians of negotiable virtue relaxing at the Chimp Ranch in their stockings and panties gets the punters they deserve.

None of the major parties have dared to go The Whole Hog (that’s down the road, second on the left, just follow the sound of squealing) and are simply tourists in the Red Banana District of Incessant Hooting. All they tend to want to do is gawp and fumble rather than contract any business to the purpose and that is why we still wait in our tyre swings trying to look alluring.

Don’t get me wrong here. It is not leadership we need as much as a client prepared to do real business.

*I apologise to Mr Karno’s shade – he was a massively successful impresario. He could have taught these fools a thing or two. He gave a young comedian from South London his first break. A certain Charles Chaplin…
**Yes, I know they’re apes but I’m not a racist.
*** Ditto. And right filthy fuckers as well.

I guarantee you will always see the phrase “burning bush” in a different light after reading that.

* The local leaflet has the line – Where both parents earn more than £16,000 each, the Tories want to take away their tax credits. The Conservative manifesto says “In addition, we will make the following savings … stop paying tax credits to better-off families with incomes over £50,000”. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised with Labours past record of not being able to do maths when it comes to finances.