Its Friday so more Mash – I found this one in the archives from 2008 and decided it was too good to miss posting in full after laughing like a drain for 5 minutes – the real kicker is in the last paragraph :

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night insisted the government was making Britain a safer place after another big fall in spoon-related crime.

The number of spoon incidents was down 9% to around 217,000, with detection rates up by 4%. Teaspoon crime remained the biggest single source of spoon problems after the ban on ladles.

Smith said: “Attacks by carnivorous plants are at an historic low, cheese fraud is now virtually unknown, and sheep gangs have been brought under control.

“There are still a number of intelligent sea creatures who are stealing dogs from beaches but we are hoping to see the effects of an amnesty later this year.”

Smith added: “We also have a village of alien children with spooky eyes who are enslaving people with their brainwaves, but they’re all well below the age of criminal responsibility.”

Wayne Hayes, a Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinator from Devon, said: “Some local youths threw plastic spoons at my wife, but when I called to report it, all the police wanted to know was whether she had been to Pakistan in the last 12 months.

“During the call I happened to mention that my electrician was an olive-skinned Brazilian and within minutes I had four guys kneeling on my chest and a gun up my nose.”

The only bleak spot in the crime figures was a near doubling in sadistic torture and random stabbings, a trebling in gun murders by children and a 400% increase in the number of people being shot in the face by the police.

Long live satire (and intelligent sea creatures) – long live the Daily Mash!