This post contains naughty words so if you are at all delicate please fuck off now.

What a way to start a Monday morning.

I have to get up at 4am on weekdays for work and prefer a radio alarm to wake up to rather than beeping, ringing or buzzing. My station of choice is a commercial station mainly due to the fact that the people on there seem to be under orders to play as much music as possible between sparse adverts rather than spewing inane drivel like that fucker on Radio 1 who goes on and on and on whilst a few thousand (or however many listeners he has) people shout ‘shut the fuck up’ at their radios.

Anyway, the alarm goes off this morning at its usual ungodly hour (is an ungodly hour a Satanic hour I wonder?) just as a song is finishing ready for the 4am adverts and what do we have?

First up – the Food Standards Agency telling me to cut the fat off my meat, eat only boiled chicken breast and don’t touch obese people as being fat is contagious. I will admit to making up the last bit as I have no idea what the fuck they were on about after the opening ‘cut off the fat’ directive, mainly as I was thinking ‘go away now you hectoring fuck’. Now I don’t know about you but I quite like a piece of roast lamb, for example, with delicious crispy fat and juices. Given the choice of local lamb and some factory reared mutant chicken I will choose the lamb every time.

Second up – yet another chlamydia advert where some loose knickered slappers go on about how easy it is to get tested. I must admit to being mildly amused when the dumb boyfriend of one of them asks why they are worried about being tested and they blurt out something about wanting kids in the future when its more likely that she has had more cock than a brothel full of cheap Thai hookers and is starting to worry about all the discharges, lumps and smells now she has her hooks in another bloke.

… at this point I was becoming ever so slightly annoyed as it was around 4:03 and I still hadnt heard anything other than health lectures …

Third up – the kiddies stop smoking advert where all the little kiddies go on and on about how awful it is that the parents are smoking and how it would be lovely if only they would stop. The tagline .. ‘ Your kids will do anything for you so why dont you ..’ tell them to fuck off and never mention smoking again or they will get a lump of coal for the next 10 Christmases and Birthdays whilst having to sleep in the garden with the rabbits.

.. I was now very annoyed and muttering fucking nanny state in a sleepy manner ..

Can you guess what was next? Some cheesy local electrical firm hawking its wares or an advert for massive carpet sales?

Wrong – yet more fucking hectoring.

Obesity is evil from the live life, 5-a-day motherfuckers who want us all to run around and starve and point at fat people and laugh or whatever the message is.

At this point, all I could muster was to mutter ‘fuck me pink’ and think of alternative adverts such as ‘Its not your hormones you fat bastard! Its the fact that you spend all day stuffing your pie hole with both hands whilst glued to the TV spending all your benefits on junk food and ill-fitting leggings.

Thankfully, the music started again at that point.

I have no idea what this country is turning into really when whole advertising slots are purchased by our bankrupt hectoring interfering government to moralise, preach and generally annoy most normal people. I would imagine that if this bunch of social engineering socialist cunts get in again that we will all have a Government Information Portal installed in our homes so we can wake up to the sight of Ed Balls imploring us to be good sheeple and look out for predatory paedophiles (another annoying fucking phrase that’s becoming more common) whilst chewing a lettuce leaf and making sure the government installed exercise centre has received the required amount of daily attention.

Fuckers!